I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
