Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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