Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
