I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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