i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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