chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Come on in and take your pants off
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