I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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