she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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