My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
