Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
