ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
