If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
operation have a gay friend backfired
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
