mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
