i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
