I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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