I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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