I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize