Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
