I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
