I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
