just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize