There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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