All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
