I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let's get the cat blown out
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
