You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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