Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
