i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
