My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
