it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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