I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
