Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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