I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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