the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
