Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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