A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
