So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
