shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
