i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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