I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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