The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
