I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
