Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
