obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
