I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
