Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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