just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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