A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
