Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
