did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
