my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
