i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
