The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
