why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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