Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
There r osticjed everywhere
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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