apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
