We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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