dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
