Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Help. Why am I so naked?
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