WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
