u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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