We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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