Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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