Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
