Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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