There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What a dumb baby whore.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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