This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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