home. puking in laundry basket.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
