Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
third nipple confirmed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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