Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize