there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
