Please, let me fuck your mom
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
