I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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